complete control of herself. It was as if she had tried nightly for years to ease her anguish, and she knew it wouldn't help. She must have had a special nerve path to stop crying. But I had to choke back my own tears.

Her eyes still glistening salty wet she returned to her story. "They must have had some drugs in the police car for the people they have to tell. I slept for ten hours. When I awoke I had complete control of my emotions. I was reared to be strong - to conceal my emotions, that is.

"I stayed home till after the funeral, then went back to work trying to act as if nothing had happened. Well, there are times when the plain facts of life just won't let you be strong. Everything I did seemed at least unnecessary, and at worst unreal. My job, the car, the house, our friends all reminded me of Fay. There was nobody to talk about it to.

"I couldn't hold a secret like that, my transvestism and Fay's part in it, forever. I tried drinking. But it scared me. I was afraid I would stand up drunk and make a public statement. 'Gather around folks and look at the TV clown. Guess what I want to be when I grow up. A girl, that's what.' I think I was really punishing myself for not being strong enough to face up to life without alcohol for a crutch.

"I guess it was easy to see that I was running for the rocks. One night my best friend, Clay, invited me to supper with him and his wife. When I got there I found out it was all to find out what I intended to do about myself.

"Clay had no idea I was a TV. And I had no idea of telling him. At first I simply told him that I had been very dependent of Fay. I said it would take time to put the pieces back together.

"Clay knew there was more to it than that. 'Look Jim,' he said, 'I know you better than that. If you really feel that way just tell me to mind my own business. But you know you can trust me. It might help to get it off your chest. I've got a feeling it's more than just Fay's death. I knew you before you met her. You were pretty bad off then too. Marrying Fay seemed to help, but what you're troubled with now is the same thing that was bothering you before you met Fay.'

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